Disgruntled Republicans saw a glimmer of hope in Herman Cain, a Washington outsider and successful entrepreneur who might have been able to out-Obama Obama. Unfortunately, the godfather of pizza turned out to be a bit too saucy for mainstream conservatives, and his star winked out.

More recently, all of America gasped in surprise when Rick Santorum squeezed out a narrow first place in the Iowa caucuses.  We then breathed a collective sigh of relief as his short-lived lead vanished and he resumed his place at the fringes.

A more jubilant hurrah was raised when Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman took second and third place in the New Hampshire primaries.  However, the added attention gave the duo enough time to prove their snobbish elitism. The use of words with more syllables than "democracy" or "capitalist" (even "capitalism" being a bit too verbose) on national television is essentially political suicide. Burdened by their unforgiveable levels of education and all-around know-how, Paul and Huntsman have committed synchronous seppuku.

Of course, Romney won in New Hampshire, but the fact that The-Man-Who-Is-Not-Obama (But-Is-Actually-Still-A-Lot-Like-Obama) will most likely be the Republican candidate once the primaries are over is not something that most GOP-ers are quite ready to face. As such, we will continue to ignore him and hitch our wagon to the next rising star…

No, not Michele Bachmann. If the 2012 Republican field was a modern-day little league baseball team, Michele Bachmann would get the trophy for Most Consistently Showing Up to Practice. Rather, I'm referring to the Eye of the Tiger, the self-professed "army brat," the (other) white-haired maverick and the thrice-married zombie risen from a shallow grave of irrelevance: none other than the former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich. And why do I believe that Gingrich, who until now has been noteworthy for nothing more than taking uncomfortably cheerful photo shoots outside of Auschwitz, is more a phoenix than a chicken-hawk? Because he promised me a colony on the moon.

While some people might criticize the plan as absurd, irrational, out of touch or just plain crazy, a closer examination of Gringrich's carefully nuanced and well thought-out plan reveals that a moon colony will actually solve each and every one of the many problems that plague America today.

First off, the economy, the single most important factor in the upcoming election. Gingrich's novel idea of partnering business with government to commercialize space would create jobs and capital by essentially founding an entirely new All-American industry. Can any other candidate make such a claim? Of course, Ron Paul would likely legalize marijuana, bringing a billion-dollar industry off the streets and making it subject to regulation and taxation, but doing so would result in the eternal damnation of every man, woman and child in the New World, as inevitably each and every American would succumb to the siren song of the Devil's herb. At least with Gingrich's new industry we would be able to save our souls.

Space travel, space tourism and space real estate would rejuvenate the old, comatose ideal of Manifest Destiny, while simultaneously creating a demand for an educated work force.  With a commercial space industry, the malcontents (living in tents) across America might actually be able to put their overpriced educations to good use. Unfortunately, humanities majors wouldn't be of much use on the moon, and as such would most likely remain homeless and jobless. However, they all knew what they were getting into.

This brings me to my second issue: the disproportionate distribution of wealth. While the pinkos and the Neo-Marxists call for the slaughter and cannibalization of legitimate Wall Street businessmen for the simple "crime" of being too successful, no sane Republican candidate would ever cater to these radical views. However, Gingrich, that sly fox, has crafted a plan to redistribute wealth without offending traditional conservatives. In our current economy, no one but the super-wealthy would be able to afford space travel or tourism, so the booming business that Gingrich assures us will be attracted to his "awards" will in effect consensually steal from the upper-upper class to give to the upper-middle class families that will no doubt staff the new corporations of Space Coast.

Once the giant profits from the new space industry have offset the billions of government subsidies and tax breaks used to start it, Newt "Star Child" Gingrich's space baby should continue to generate enough capital to raise our floundering economy out of its current Earthly morass to new and celestial heights. Could this possibly fail? Could Gingrich perhaps be placing too much faith in the interest and financial feasibility of space industries? I think not. As the man himself said in his 1995 book To Renew America, "honeymoons in space will be the vogue in 2020."

Of course, the economy won't be the only thing to benefit from Gingrich's bold vision. Education? American school children would learn much more about space if they could actually take a field trip to the dark side of the moon. And dependence on foreign oil? If federal grants were offered to scientists to somehow turn cheese into a form of fuel, the moon could be harvested for its untapped reserves of lactose power. And what about gays and their insatiable desire to "marry?" Gingrich is a clever man, and as he once compared gay marriage to paganism, I wouldn't be surprised to find that his moon plan contained a solution to "the gay problem." Yes, we know you're here and you're queer, but if you did it on the moon, I think everyone here on earth would be much more comfortable.

It's clear that a vote for Newt Gingrich is a vote for democracy. And freedom. And America. And veterans. And fun. On the moon. That's why I'm endorsing everyone's favorite amphibian for president in 2012. And so I'll close with a few words from David Bowie, which I think are particularly appropriate in this most crucial election year:

"There's a Star Man/Waiting in the sky/He'd like to come and meet us/But he thinks he'd blow our minds."